Time changes everything, even you and I have changed
Evanesco
a guy who wrote blog, do judge me because i don't care
“mother knows best”
Hurm.
Friday, September 8, 2017 || 8:54 AM
7/9/2017
Around 10 p.m, I received a notification from my WhatsApp stated that my grandmother just passed away. I was in shocked. Literally tergamam. I called my my mom right away. I told her that I had exam that friday and she insisted me to stay and just focused on the exam. I refused. At first, I was like 'okay mak' But my roomate said that it's okay to be excused from the exam. Considering that I'm unable to go to my grandfather's funeral, I really really really really really wanted to go back. So masa tu my cousin pun ada tweet yg kalau nk tumpang boleh join. So I rushed. Packed my things, called the lecturer. So I go to Bangi then straight to Kelantan.
8/9/2017
We arrived around pukul 6.30. My cousin straight away pergi tgk jenazah and I butted in. Tapi sebab tu barai + letih + mengatuk + blur aku macam tgk then balik solat subuh tidur. Dah la bangun around 10. Masa tu rasa macam hurm mcm function je balik. So dalam 11 macam tu my mum called me sbb masa tu tgh mandikan jenazah. Lepas habis kafan semua, so all of us gathered to give the final kiss to Tok Wea.
This moment like hit teruk do. Right after aku bagitau my classmates and some of my friends, there were like "Stay strong Faris." The thing is, masa lps aku tau yg my grandmother passed away, I got no feeling but in my head it was just 'I wanna go home' But at this very moment, those 'stay strong' kept repeating in my head bcs everyone was crying. Losing both grandparents in a year is hard to bear. I never expected that I'm going to cry since I came without any feelings. Masa tu all those regrettable moments with my nenek came.
The guilty of not able to come to my grandfather's funeral. I didn't say sorry because I was ashamed. I wasn't strong enough. And I missed the chance of course right now. Last week, masa raya when I visited her. I hold her cold weak hands said that I'm here. Her face showed she is in pain. I hold back my tears. I couldn't watch her like that. Then she said, 'Tokwea nak mati dah' I refused to believe. I tried to say "jangan la cakap mcm tu" but....it stucked. I couldn't say anything. Then she like baring and istighfar and all. I kept holding her hand but my feelings were throbbed. Then ada kucing masuk. I chase the cat out since I couldn't cope with the moment. I didn't say goodbye. I didn't even reply. I didn't gave her any response. I back off and walked away. Oh God, I'm a fool.
Masa melawat dia dekat hospital, I did hold her hands and looked her. Still I wished that I did that the things that I couldn't do before dia admitted to the hospital. When she can give response. Silly silly Faris.
Now, she's gone. Lying down forever beside my grandfather. Been apart for 150 days and now staying together, forever.
Am I ?
Friday, September 1, 2017 || 7:47 AM
It's the first September today wow time really flew quickly.
So today it's Eid Adha and I missed solat sunat (again) lol (surau full okay) but that's not what the biggest thing happened this day. Right after the solat (I know I didn't go but let's just proceed) we waited for the meat since we are not going to do like previous year where we slaughter the cow at my grandmother's because idk ? But it's around 9.00 so I went upstairs to charge my phone and I accidentally slept while playing with my phone.
And that was one of the most regretful nap ever.
I woke up to my brother rushing downstairs and when I checked my phone, there was 2 tweets, whatsapps, missed calls from my cousin and my brother. So I figured maybe something happened to my grandmother. My mum came back home and I heard she said "Tokwan dah tenat" . I rushed to my grandmother's (located just beside my house) and apparently my cousins, aunts, uncle were there. With red eyes. I was like 'fuck what was I just now' . An ambulance was there by the time I arrived. Everyone was like waiting for the hospital assistance to take my grandma to the hosp. I felt guilty as hell. Why ? The mood. It's suffocating. I felt pressured. Like am I really ??? Like really?? Where was I. If something bad happened and I wasn't aware of it like really?? I don't want to be an ass like 'apa jadi ? apa jadi ?' since I was late and everyone was post-crying-mood so um I guess I'll just observe. Well at some point, no one wants it to happen and you were asleep so it was not that hard. But still, I felt.......bad. I wonder this is the situation when my arwah grandfather was called upon Allah. I couldn't attend his funeral and that was one of the biggest regret in my life.
That time, I was in Pulau Perhentian. Before going there, my grandma wasn't really in an approval state but my mother said just go. That day, we went for snorkeling. So I left my phone at the hotel. In the afternoon, I used our boat's driver phone to call my mother to ask something. But when I reached her, her voice istg sounds really really sad and she said that my grandfather was gone...... I don't know how to describe it. The burden is too real. I'm here having fun and at my hometown ? All of my cousins could come except me and one at the state. Honestly, I somehow couldn't face my grandmother after I went back.
Back to my grandma. I felt carried away by the guilt. Rasa macam am I really worthy to consult anyone or like took part in these events? It felt awkward. My brain and my body won't work. It stuck. Before my grandmother was sent to the hospital, I entered her room. There she was unable to move, unable to say, unable to do anything. Then something it hit me. Looking at her condition, looking at her pain. If I was her, a weak soul, I would choose death over suffering like that and of course we can't just simply go to barzakh on our own. I remembered her mumbling "Tok wan nak mati dah" multiple times and it was so.....sad.
For me that was always ungrateful with so many things. Thinking I had enough of this world, I was treated bad enough. But her ? She lived long. Seeing so many people went before her, yet she is still breathing, holding on to that memories. With her age, she is weak but looking at her pasts, the people who already left her. I'm not that strong I guess. Not yet. Without her husband now, my mum said as if she lost her source of strength. She lost the very reason she woke up every morning and still breathing. Losing a big part of her life must be really painful. Again I look at myself. Where was I ? I admit that sometimes I wish I didn't exists. I cause a lot of trouble. I hurt people that I shouldn't. I was really ungrateful. I was selfish. If someone really did leave me behind forever. How strong would I be ? God knows.
With my grandmother age, who lived longer than mine I bet some old folks really wanted death to greet them. I'm not saying in this in a bad way. But suffering seems a lot more painful. Or maybe the wished upon a longer life I don't know. I should cherish life more than I cherish death. I'm not worthy enough to talk about things like that. I know I'm weak, fragile. If I didn't live my life properly (I'm not taking drugs or alcohol fellas relax) at this moment, wouldn't it seems like I'm wasting every breathe that God has given me ? There a lot of people who wanted to live, able to woke up after every sleep. I'm not mighty to talk about this since sometimes I just couldn't hold it. Some people think that they suffered enough and they deemed to end their life. But what if there are more that we can feel except sadness?
Love
Sunday, May 14, 2017 || 10:24 AM
ok first of all, some of you might get it weird because since I'm writing about love?? Like hello ? Did you knocked your head somewhere ?
Well this is one of the effects when you watched too many dramas and sad movies.
lol
Okay starting off, I would like to quote something about 'love' from a movie "A Walk to Remember" I HELLA RECOMMENDED IT BECAUSE IT'S BEAUTIFUL <3
Love is always patient and kind. It was never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and it is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people sins but delights in the truth. It's always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.I did a few researches and turns out some of it sounds like a part of the Bible.
But, this is what I concluded about the topic.
Love is like a coffee. It could get addictive that people need it every morning or sometimes every single drink they could get. Some like it cold, some like it hot. Many favored hot love or should I call a happy love, but there are a few in some cases, like it cold. They like it cold especially when they have lost the person they cherish so bad and it remains to be painful and cold but they could never let go.
Every person has their own taste for coffee as it has many type; cappuccino, latte, mocha, espresso and you name the others. Espresso is well know for its bitterness. Some like it bitter, some like it bitter-sweet. Depends on the person who consuming the coffee. It has it's own recipes to make the perfect coffee depends on the person. Sugar, cream, the coffee itself, it must be measured perfectly according to the person taste to get the perfect coffee. Unbalanced recipe might wavers the person heart. Just like love, every love require trust, responsibility, honesty and etc. Some people could wavered their heart with the unbalanced requirement of love. Every one is different. Every one need different level of each recipe to require love because we lived in a different background. Some could accept it slowly (the changes) some could throw it away like that easily.
Heart is easily wavered that's why. Like coffee, if we are constantly consuming a coffee from the same shop every day, but then the taste changed. Some of us could be okay with the change but some will never come the shop again, or they will change their daily coffee to another one (change the person who they love). In some cases, they are person who embraced love and failed. The fear of getting forgotten and abandoned, broken-heart. They went to get coffee with a high hope that it would be delicious, but turn out it's bad, or horrifying. Some of them tried hard to drink again, trying another type of coffee but it never work. Some of them stop at the first try. Just like love.
There are people who can only smell the coffee and couldn't drink it. Maybe because of allergy or they would just get sick of it. There are person who can witness love countless time, but they never get the chance for themselves.
Because that is just how life works.
Subtle mind
Thursday, May 11, 2017 || 11:31 AM
*blows off dusty blog*
I'm back after 2 years, Pretty much I'll say, I'm whole new different person now. Why ? Time changed me, but memories kept the same. Matured is not the right word to describe but ; grown up is a more accurate phrase (?) because how can I be mature with this ? At least I can sort out things better than the old me. Every one grows up but with different directions of course. A lot of things have been bugging my mind lately but I can't resolve it; not by talking but by writing. One of my friends bought up the bloggy thing and I eventually find where to resolve my thoughts.
So, where should I begin......
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I'm making line bcs it will be a different stuff to talk about. Years passing by and I encountered a lot of things, wether it's nice or bad it all leave a deep wounded scar, huge mess of confusion, happiness, those thing could change. From a scar to a happiness or vice versa. People change but memories doesn't yes, but the way we reminiscing the memories will change; eventually. I noticed that I became a quite different person. I became rather quiet, not wanted to be disturb so much, hate noises and wanted to be in a peace situation most of the time. There were time that I had to confronted with people ; relatives, friends moreover strangers .. I became.....incredibly awkward. My mouth shut tight, my eyes kept evading contacts, wanted to avoid all sorts of conversations and etc. RIP social skill really lol. I'm keen to be with my laptop or source of internet most of the time. At first, it's an escapism from the real world, but now this escapism is my world. It's not I'm addictive af but it's just I rather be alone and not be disturb. I speak, through mind not words. I became scared. What if I said something wrong ? What if I did something weird ? Why am I even talking about this ? Do you need to ask this ? Can you shut up ? All those unnecessary thoughts flows constantly. Bad or good judge me. You got your points I got mine. Everyone wins because we could never understand someone's life bcs simply it's not yours.
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2 years ago, in a class my teacher said "Do you believe in bestfriends ? Like do they really exists ? Friends who you cherish for a long time ?" Those words bugged me up untill now. Back then, I disagree her words. Like why ? Don't you have one ? And apparently I understand now. Bestfriends are very rare indeed. Those who will stay with you with all bittersweet moments, never talk ill of you, evade all sorts of misunderstanding, never make you mad or if it happens will feel burdened through time and apologize. That is my understanding of a 'best friend' People come and go, and they changed. So much thing changed that you can't even notice you are changing. I say this to myself not to the others. It's not that I'm abandoned, nor abandoning people.
There are 'friends' but you can't tell them how you feel. There are 'friends' that can help you but you didn't said anything. There are 'friends' but you sat out of everything. There are 'friends' but you kept waiting for them to actually see you. Trust issues or friend issues ? The title 'friend' is a hard thing to give too these days. Backstabbers are everywhere. A fake friend are much worst than a enemy. Even though I didn't experience myself (right now) but I know how things go around. Maybe they talked behind my back but it's okay. I had enough. I need both my feet, my own strength to stand. I don't need your argument or words to breathe. It's okay. Leave if you hate, stay if you trust. Simple ? As if. Why can't we be genuine with what we spoke and what we felt ? It's hard right ? It's a pity....to those who had been lied, to those who have their hopes to a wrong person, to those who had been turned down, left out. Sometimes, something is not worthy for our self but we didn't know why and what. That how life works, it doesn't go with everything we wished for.
p/s I'm not having any trouble with anyone
Truth hurts, but living in lies are more painful. We all just need the courage to do something.
oblivion
Saturday, June 6, 2015 || 8:05 AM
so ive return to home from college after a long time . i mean like . long time since i open and start to update my blog . ergh im lazy to update it but i always want to update them . get it ? lol nvm. so... since the last time i update that was like 2-3 months ago ? first question to myself since then "hows life?" well life is quite fun ofc. with the new environment helps to create a new me ? lol im talking nonsense. wait im not even talking im typing! so there are many things happened. like er.... theres alot of them . i cant figure from where to start . but for one thing .. im getting used to the surrounding at my new school . like literally . not to mention that hellish night where i set my mind to beware of everyone . not going to tell what happen those 2 hours of so called punishment . blergh . it is not even necessary dude. let bygone be bygone (idiom betol ke lantak la xD) sooo days goes on and there are a lot of intakes after us . now it is the 5th intake . yep so many ppl come and go . there are a few students who went back home becoz of their on reason. i learned a lot of thing here seriously. not to trust someone easily . backstabbers. how to live on dorm is a must ok haha . well im out of idea . so bye bye . cya again when i hve mood to type D:
Reposting.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015 || 6:16 AM
Assalamualaikum.
So how are you guys doing through the doing. Hope you guys are feeling well. So, my hearts ached to write about this thing. Idk why but i felt i changed this year. From someone to someone else literally. Sorry but i like to use english when im about to describe my feelings. Bukan tak sayang bahasa ibunda ♥ tp ntah kenapa lol .
Tbh, past years, i used to be an emo guy (eventho not so obvious) . I used to lay down on the bed and think what makes myself weak and useless and yes i cried. Throughout the year, atleast a month i did this silly thing. When i think about that , i laughed at myself. It was soooooooooo ridiculous. I felt so hopeless. but from what i know, sadness is one of the devil's game. am not sure if the other feelings included tho. when i think about those dumb things like how unfair this world to me , why am i left out , why this why that why why why. But seriously this thing cant be take too often. It is depressful. This is one of my fear going to mjsc last month. Afraid that im not going to make friends. But i tried and alhamdulillah it works :) At old old school , i tried to be an outgoing person but kept ignored by many peoples which make me annoyed. Starting from that , i stop hoping that i can make friends at high school. Other than my classmates and some other friends, im afraid to be with them. I cant bring conversation to a long conversation eventho we just met. For some ppl think "thats normal" yes now i think that is normal. Im so greedy to know everyone and i want to be noticed by other ppl. But i was dumb. It went wrong. not to mention imm always envious.
Last year, i tried hard to think positive. And i think i made it , Kalau dah rasa down sangat, aku cuba lupakan semua bnda yang buat aku down. Dulu aku igt, sehari tu aku muram. baring je seharian tu. then ada chat ws masuk. then i laughed a bit and magically aku dh lupa semua tu. masa aku tgh emo sesorang tu aku rasa tenang and yet painful. but naww its not the thing. just a lil bit connection with someone else would make things different . aku jarang or maybe tk prnah lgsung luah perasaan dkt org. dgr lagu sedih then emo smpai sakit kepala. tapi alhamdulillah aku overcome depression ni sengsorang (walaupun tkla depressful sgt) . kalau diri tu rasa lemah, family ada . kawan ada . certain ppl malu nk bersuara macam aku jadi try to forget all those things. release tension tu bagi makan normal. bukan makin syahdu. aku selalu jugak dgr lagu lpstu try lupakan semua tu. tulis blog ni pn luahkan perasaan la agaknya lol. lps aku lalui semua tu. aku rasa macam aku tkleh tgk org yg alami bnda sama. macam "dude nooo"
my shoulders are always free for you to cry and wail. my ears are always open to hear your story :)
Maktab II
Thursday, February 19, 2015 || 6:42 AM
post ni bertujuan utk sambung psl dkt maktab. hahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahaha.
there are a few things tht i forgot to mention since i was very rushing tht day updating lmao. i decided to add a new post instead of editing the old post coz...idk
first day smpai petang semayang asar bagai tu . aku tunggu izzul . one of my bff dri skolah lama aku . tp lps jumpa dia tkde la bnda sgt sbb dia ddk bilik yg hujung sebelah sana aku hujung sebalah sini . nk berbual pn mcm biarlah . malam tu aku x igt orientasi psl apa . esk pagi tu kumpul dkt dewan lpstu bla bla bla bla aku x igt . smpai la petang khamis . aku nk la iron melayu aku . tp sbb ralik berbual aku tk prasan suhu dia tinggi . skali letak fuu . berlubang baju melayu aku tu . baju tu abg aku punya masa dia maktab dulu . so dh lama la baju tu .petang tu aku cuak . aku buntu . aku pn pergi la report dkt izzul . dgn rileknya dia kata "pinjam la aku punya dulu aku bwk dua" tu bnda yang pertama au pinjam . masa prep petang (aku x igt hari apa) kena pakai baju berkolar. aku tk bawak lgsung baju berkolar pergi sana . guess whose tshirt tht i borrow ? it's izzul . once again . haha . at this point aku rasa macam aku bergantung gila dgn dia . rasa malu pn ada . damn kalau dia tkde aku x tau la . dh la minggu tu aku tk brapa nk knl lagi dgn bdk sini . byk la bnda yg aku guna dia punya . sumpah malu .
moving on . ni masa lepas malam galam and dah masuk kelas . kelas kitorang mula2 dh ada history yg tersendiri . ada sorg ni try nk bukak tingkap and eventually tingkap tu jatuh dan pecah (obviously duh) . lpstu ada org ckp "salam berkenalan dgn tingkap maktab " xDD . kelas kitorang first day quite awkward. tp lps sesi berkenalan diri utk setiap subjek . makin lama makan memahami each other ceh wah . masa rombak balik kelas tu . semua feeling down masa hari last ddk kelas skali tu la . malam tu kitorang pn tgkap la gmbar . tapi malam tu tk brapa nk jadi gmbar sbb masa prep . petang ahad tu kitorang pn berkumpul skali lg hanya utk tgkap gmbar .
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| the ex 401 . cari la aku :> |
dlm kelas baru ni hari pertama dgn kedua masih sunyi . aku pn tk cakap byk sgt . tp days go on and aku rasa kelas baru ni ok . bukan aku tknak ddk kelas ni . just i cant feel the chemistry between among us in the first day . hari pertama kan biasa la .kalau dulu diorg pgil payeh sbb diorg tgk twitter aku . tp skarang diorg pggil aku ferb. mula2 aku ok je . tapi lepas kelas lain pn pggil aku ferb . aku mcm "tak naaaak" tapi aku rasa ok la kot . dari nama faris . sbb ada 3 faris dlm batch ni . amboi ayat macam dh tk sayang nama sendiri lol . dan khabarnya ada bdk f5 pn pggil aku camtu ...........
dlm 2 minggu kt sana . aku tk pernah berhenti pikir psl tendong . aku rindu nk gelak dgn korang . aku rindu nk
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| you guys made my world . arif family foreva ♥ |