Around 10 p.m, I received a notification from my WhatsApp stated that my grandmother just passed away. I was in shocked. Literally tergamam. I called my my mom right away. I told her that I had exam that friday and she insisted me to stay and just focused on the exam. I refused. At first, I was like 'okay mak' But my roomate said that it's okay to be excused from the exam. Considering that I'm unable to go to my grandfather's funeral, I really really really really really wanted to go back. So masa tu my cousin pun ada tweet yg kalau nk tumpang boleh join. So I rushed. Packed my things, called the lecturer. So I go to Bangi then straight to Kelantan.

8/9/2017 

We arrived around pukul 6.30. My cousin straight away pergi tgk jenazah and I butted in. Tapi sebab tu barai + letih + mengatuk + blur aku macam tgk then balik solat subuh tidur. Dah la bangun around 10. Masa tu rasa macam hurm mcm function je balik. So dalam 11 macam tu my mum called me sbb masa tu tgh mandikan jenazah. Lepas habis kafan semua, so all of us gathered to give the final kiss to Tok Wea. 

This moment like hit teruk do. Right after aku bagitau my classmates and some of my friends, there were like "Stay strong Faris." The thing is, masa lps aku tau yg my grandmother passed away, I got no feeling but in my head it was just 'I wanna go home' But at this very moment, those 'stay strong' kept repeating in my head bcs everyone was crying. Losing both grandparents in a year is hard to bear. I never expected that I'm going to cry since I came without any feelings. Masa tu all those regrettable moments with my nenek came. 

The guilty of not able to come to my grandfather's funeral. I didn't say sorry because I was ashamed. I wasn't strong enough. And I missed the chance of course right now. Last week, masa raya when I visited her. I hold her cold weak hands said that I'm here. Her face showed she is in pain. I hold back my tears. I couldn't watch her like that. Then she said, 'Tokwea nak mati dah' I refused to believe. I tried to say "jangan la cakap mcm tu" but....it stucked. I couldn't say anything. Then she like baring and istighfar and all. I kept holding her hand but my feelings were throbbed. Then ada kucing masuk. I chase the cat out since I couldn't cope with the moment. I didn't say goodbye. I didn't even reply. I didn't gave her any response. I back off and walked away.  Oh God, I'm a fool.

Masa melawat dia dekat hospital, I did hold her hands and looked her. Still I wished that I did that the things that I couldn't do before dia admitted to the hospital. When she can give response. Silly silly Faris.

Now, she's gone. Lying down forever beside my grandfather. Been apart for 150 days and now staying together, forever.