So today it's Eid Adha and I missed solat sunat (again) lol (surau full okay) but that's not what the biggest thing happened this day. Right after the solat (I know I didn't go but let's just proceed) we waited for the meat since we are not going to do like previous year where we slaughter the cow at my grandmother's because idk ? But it's around 9.00 so I went upstairs to charge my phone and I accidentally slept while playing with my phone. 

And that was one of the most regretful nap ever.

I woke up to my brother rushing downstairs and when I checked my phone, there was 2 tweets, whatsapps, missed calls from my cousin and my brother. So I figured maybe something happened to my grandmother. My mum came back home and I heard she said "Tokwan dah tenat" . I rushed to my grandmother's (located just beside my house) and apparently my cousins, aunts, uncle were there. With red eyes. I was like 'fuck what was I just now' . An ambulance was there by the time I arrived. Everyone was like waiting for the hospital assistance to take my grandma to the hosp. I felt guilty as hell. Why ? The mood. It's suffocating. I felt pressured. Like am I really ??? Like really?? Where was I. If something bad happened and I wasn't aware of it like really?? I don't want to be an ass like 'apa jadi ? apa jadi ?' since I was late and everyone was post-crying-mood so um I guess I'll just observe. Well at some point, no one wants it to happen and you were asleep so it was not that hard. But still, I felt.......bad. I wonder this is the situation when my arwah grandfather was called upon Allah. I couldn't attend his funeral and that was one of the biggest regret in my life.

That time, I was in Pulau Perhentian. Before going there, my grandma wasn't really in an approval state but my mother said just go. That day, we went for snorkeling. So I left my phone at the hotel. In the afternoon, I used our boat's driver phone to call my mother to ask something. But when I reached her, her voice istg sounds really really sad and she said that my grandfather was gone...... I don't know how to describe it. The burden is too real. I'm here having fun and at my hometown ? All of my cousins could come except me and one at the state. Honestly, I somehow couldn't face my grandmother after I went back. 

Back to my grandma. I felt carried away by the guilt. Rasa macam am I really worthy to consult anyone or like took part in these events? It felt awkward. My brain and my body won't work. It stuck. Before my grandmother was sent to the hospital, I entered her room. There she was unable to move, unable to say, unable to do anything. Then something it hit me. Looking at her condition, looking at her pain. If I was her, a weak soul, I would choose death over suffering like that and of course we can't just simply go to barzakh on our own. I remembered her mumbling "Tok wan nak mati dah" multiple times and it was so.....sad. 

For me that was always ungrateful with so many things. Thinking I had enough of this world, I was treated bad enough. But her ? She lived long. Seeing so many people went before her, yet she is still breathing, holding on to that memories. With her age, she is weak but looking at her pasts, the people who already left her. I'm not that strong I guess. Not yet. Without her husband now, my mum said as if she lost her source of strength. She lost the very reason she woke up every morning and still breathing. Losing a big part of her life must be really painful. Again I look at myself. Where was I ? I admit that sometimes I wish I didn't exists. I cause a lot of trouble. I hurt people that I shouldn't. I was really ungrateful. I was selfish. If someone really did leave me behind forever. How strong would I be ? God knows.

With my grandmother age, who lived longer than mine I bet some old folks really wanted death to greet them. I'm not saying in this in a bad way. But suffering seems a lot more painful. Or maybe the wished upon a longer life I don't know. I should cherish life more than I cherish death. I'm not worthy enough to talk about things like that. I know I'm weak, fragile. If I didn't live my life properly (I'm not taking drugs or alcohol fellas relax) at this moment, wouldn't it seems like I'm wasting every breathe that God has given me ? There a lot of people who wanted to live, able to woke up after every sleep. I'm not mighty to talk about this since sometimes I just couldn't hold it. Some people think that they suffered enough and they deemed to end their life. But what if there are more that we can feel except sadness?